Thursday, March 31, 2011

Being Divorced

I have an exhusband who is bipolar.  The very worst part about him being an ex and being bipolar is: he is also the father of my kids.  I don't intend to use this forum to repeatedly bash my ex, but there will be SOME days where bashing him is all I can do to stay sane.  I'll just go ahead and get some of it out of the way right now:
  • Ex is a drunk - needs no explanation, except to say that he has a propensity to light kitchens on fire.  Oh, and piss in the bed.  Truly.
  • Ex is abusive - he cannot control his emotions and when he feels that he is not being *insert violin solo accompanied by vicious eye-rolls* understoodhe flies off the handle.  One of his regular cruel tactics was sleep deprivation.  Apparently bipolars can go quite some time without sleep whilst "cycling".  So, he would continue to subject me to a barrage of nonsense and I would stay awake waiting for the next onslaught of insane giberrish.  Better than being jolted out of a dead sleep with a crazed man drooling in your face.
  • Ex is currently unemployed and living with his elderly mom in a subsidized retired-citizens community.  Not sure why a technician can't find a job, but...what do I know?
  • Ex is a shit father no matter how much he thinks he's a righteous dad. He thoroughly fucked up his first 2 kids and I refuse to allow him to ruin the last 2.

....trying to find something redeeming about Ex. *pondering* GOT IT!  He's a pretty good cook!  There you go.  I try to stay positive wherever possible. *choke*  Oh, and also, I should thank him for the sleep deprivation.  It was instrumental in my being able to stay up partying and acting a fool after I left him and started to GET A LIFE.  So...there's that.  Much obliged, Fuckface.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

When it's smart to act like a grown up

On my morning commute I spied a quite new Rolls Royce rolling behind me on the freeway.  I didn't think too much about it until I noticed the license plate which read "CHI USA".  The Chi HQ is in the Houston area and the CEO actually ran for Mayor of Houston during the last election cycle. 

I own a Chi.  I've had the flat iron for about 2 years.  Two months ago, the fucking thing started going wonky on me.  I have to now wiggle the cord to get it to stay fired's reminiscent of holding the rabbit ears over the TV back in the day.  And I'm really far too lazy and impatient to stand around waiting to get cute.

As I sidled up to the Rolls on an off ramp this morning, my inner child BEGGED ME to coerce the Rolls off the road.  My younger self was convinced that she could talk the Chi CEO into a shiny new Chi seeing as how her current Chi has shit the bed.  Thankfully, my real (read: grown up) self had the smarts to drive straight and not pull a Fast and Furious on old Chi guy.  Obviously, my stupid inner child has no idea what jail is. 

I just now decided to write the following letter to Mr. Chi-man:

Dear Farouk:

I have a dysfunctional Chi.  Please send me a new one.  The address listed below is where my hair lives.  Graci!!

p.s. I saw your nice rolls today and you should totally thank me for not releasing my impulsive and irrational inner child.


I hope he sends me a red one.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Things you need to know right off the bat

I'm a shit typist so expect typos from time to time.  I curse frequently and feverishly. I will use fake names to protect the guilty. 

Balanced Idjit is who I am.  I am astute and know what the hell is going on all the time.  And sometimes I'm just utterly clueless.

If I get trite, maudlin, melancholy, trite (I'm saying trite twice because it's a HUGE pet peeve), needy, complain-y, boring, please call me on it. 

I'm a mom, stepmom, girlfriend, ex-wife, employed, uneducated, heathen with morals.  More on that later.

I have no real reason for writing this blog, except that I like to read funny shit.  And it makes me think about funny shit that goes on in my day to day life...some believable, some not.  But all true.  I figure if it makes me laugh to write it, maybe someone else will find it amusing.  Not to mention funny shit breaks up the work monotony.

Alright Punkins...let's go!