Friday, April 29, 2011

How much is a wood chipper?

On my way into work this morning I saw a wood chipper. And I thought about all the deserving people I would make into human slaw ...

1 - Rush Limbaugh / Glenn Beck (and I do consider them to be just about one and the same): Rush with his hypocritical, racist and lying ass. I would probably save him for last though. His internal poison would probably clog the chipper and I have work to do. He'd go in with Beck. Unless Beck's tinfoil hat stops up the machine. Maybe I put Rush in first and THEN Beck. I need to think more on this one...

2 - That chick in the green honda with the very tall 1990 mall bangs: why would anyone driving during a morning or afternoon commute FUH-REAK out when they run into traffic? Maybe they haven't heard about rush hour? This woman was spazzing out any time someone wanted to merge in front of her. And I was howling behind her...people need to be videotaped when they're being irrational. It's a great equalizer. Not to mention I believe in shaming people into good behavior. When one minivan tried to get in front of her she laid on the horn, slammed on the breaks, DIDN'T let him in, and then held up the rest of the line so she could stop alongside the van and curse out the window. It was h.y.s.t.e.r.i.c.a.l. As I drove by her on the freeway, I pointed and laughed at her. She can go in first and get the chipper all greased up for the rest of the crew.

3 - "christians" who go to church on Sunday after staying out all night at swinger parties: I just really hate a hypocrite. If you're gonna be a heathen, then OWN it. Don't put on a front for your neighbors and your family. BE who you are. If you wanna fuck 4 or 5 couples and then go to IHOP before church, I'm gonna make fun of you. AT IHOP. Because there's nothing like a good egg at 4am. And, even from thenext booth over, I can smell a good sex party on most people. Don your Sunday best and INTO the chipper you go.

4 - chicks on escalators who flip their hair: I need you people to understand that RARELY are you alone on an escalator in a downtown office building. I don't care how badly you WANT to fix your hair, I do NOT want your long stringy hair on or anywhere near me. I am absolutely trapped on an escalator and when you flip your hair, I am negatively affected. It's not okay. You make me wanna pull out my lighter You get the picture. Bitches, you go hair first into the chipper.

5 - die-hard gatekeepers: you ever call someone's office and the secretary thinks she's in charge? And she won't let you anywhere near the executive? "You know, this place would stop running without me. I do EVERYTHING around here!" Um, no you don't. You probably don't have a degree. You have no idea what P&L responsibility is. You don't have to report to shareholders or the Board. You keep a dude's calendar and answer his phone. STOP making your job more important than it is. You're in a support position and you ANSWER to a supervisor. That means you don't run shit. I'm sorry you feel inadequate about your life. Maybe get a puppy? Then at least you'll have something to fully control. You and your bloated, falsely-important attitude can get the chipper.

6 - trite writers: Listen, many of us want to be something we're not. I would love to be a singer. I'd also love to be rich for no good reason and not have to pay any bills. You know? The type of rich where someone else just takes care of all your bills for you and you just sit around your piles of disposable cash. My point is, since we're not all cut out to be whatever we WISH, we need to accept our fate in life and live with it. Some writers cannot write. Sorry sweets. I mean, grammatically, it's fine. Good paragraph structure, excellent use of vocab, blah, blah...but it's TRITE. It's the kind of drivel that, after reading 4 sentences, my 8-yo daughter could tell you what the 5th sentence will read. Stop trying to be a great and entertaining writer/author. Some people are just naturally funny and fun to read. Some people have a special way of putting just the right words together to paint a vivid and fluid picture. Predictable and trite writers? Meet the damn chipper.

7 - fucked up deadbeat parents: this one is a special tribute to ex-wife-in-law. LT was married to my (then) husband for 6 years. They bore 2 children and divorced in 1996. I met (now) ex-husband in 1996. We won full (he had sole) custody of his 2 kids in 1997. They were just-turned-7 and 4 years old respectively. LT moved out of state in 1998. Do you have any idea what it does to a kid to be abandoned by his/her MOM? This bitch not only left her kids, but then she tried to re-insert herself as this wondrous mother when the planets aligned twice a year. As one insane example, one Valentines day when the kids were about 7 and 9, LT called me to ask for my help. She was VERY concerned because she had mailed the kids a box of valentine crap...but she suddenly couldn't find her ferret. I shit you not, she thought she mailed the ferret "Melissa" in the goddamn box with the candies. She begged me to intercept the box before the kids had a chance to open it JUST IN CASE Melissa was there rotting and decomposing in the box. She didn't want them traumatized. Are you HIGH lady? Who mails their kids a fucking FERRET?? For LT I'd make her sit and watch all the others get chipped up. But I wouldn't put her in. I'd put her together with my ex-husband and see which one would chip him or herself first.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

A woman who doesn't work here brought me a GIFT!

On June 1st I will have a new Consultant to support. I have been working with one Consultant since 2007 and he is retiring at the end of June. My new Boss is a Lady. Normally I have a hard time supporting women. I don't know if it's because we can't bullshit a woman with PMS days off or if it's because they earned success and why can't *I* do the same? It's like women bosses hold women assistants to a higher standard. Truth be told, I'd probably do the same.

This morning my retiring boss came in with a card for ME for Admin. Assistants day. HUH?? In 4 years this is the first AA Day card he's ever given me. Inside the card was moooolah. Oh how I LURVE moooolah. Not that anyone probably hates it. But unEXPECTED money? Oh's right up there with multiple orgasms. I will be having very gorgeous and sexy toes by this weekend. Thanks Steve!!

A couple of minutues ago, my new incoming boss "AK" stopped by to see me. She doesn't even work here yet and she GIFTED me! "So, I don't really know you and we'll get to all that, but I wanted to bring something by for Assistants day." She gave me a very tasteful plaque that reads "Live. Laugh. Love." If she had any idea that THIS is my mantra for life, she would have laughed out loud at her own shopping prowess. I am so ZEN that I have tattoeed the word BALANCE on myself 10 times. There's only one thing better she could have brought me: my own Ninja. But I hear those are hard to find.

I feel very spoiled today. Today is a great day to be an EA!

Removing the KKK hood on my morning commute

Living in Texas has its privileges. Few people bat an eye when you walk into an office building wearing a KKK white sheet. It's the pointed hood that gets the most attention.

For Halloween one year whilst working for a small financial services outfit, the staff was asked to dress up and compete for a variety of Halloween costume and pumpkin carving prizes. There were some excellent costumes that year. I am honored to report that I won $25 for most ballsy costume. I actually recall some audible gasps and "NO SHE DI'INTs" and "you've gotta be shitting me"s when I walked into my offce that fine day. My KKK garb was a HIT! If I can ever figure out how to post damn pics within a blog posting, I'll add the pic. It was full, ankle-length white sheet with matching white pointed hood. I did wear sunglasses so as to remain anonymous (naturally!). For the hood, I did cut a large opening for my face. I would hate to be mistaken for some sort of crook or hijacker. I needed to be readily identified should I need to stop for gas or smokes on the way to work. Don't wanna freak out the natives.

The very very best part about my costume isn't the costume, even. It's the fact that I'm black.

Edited to add: I kind of figured out the damn pic thingy. Don't mind the chick with the falling-off moustache or the asian ya go :D

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Mom, what's a vibrator?

And that's not even how the discussion started. This was basically the end of it. FML.

Did you know that Wii and XBox have built-in wireless access to the internet? Did you also know that children are wiley, sneaky little fuckers who understand how to GOOGLE all sorts of interesting and disturbing things? Welcome to my new horror.

Last weekend, I may have busted my daughter running a google search for some sex-related topic involving lesbians. I'll let you just sit with that for a moment...

Yes? You're back??

Okay, I'm not even sure what else I can say about that. I mean, it took me 2 full days to process the situation. How do I open/continue a dialog on this topic? Did I open pandora's box with my condom expose'? Did some kid tell her about which sites to go look at or that she could even just go perusing around in google looking for T&A? I mean, I didn't even know I had an extra HOLE until I was about 11. This child is 8. Now, before you get all crazed, I will say that she is extraordinarily intelligent for her age. She is also very mature...I mean mentally mature and also physically mature. She has been wearing sports bras for about 6 mos, she declared the other day that she has a little (OMFG!!!!) hair (GAH!!!) and we have already had the menstruation discussion replete with samples and demos, of course. SMGDH.

Yesterday after picking the little princess up from day care...which...maybe at this point I should take her for her fucking learners permit...anyway, after day care I wanted to discuss what she was looking for on her Wii. She realllly didn't want to have that discussion because she was fairly mortified. I wouldn't let up. I needed to know why she was looking for that stuff at the age of 8 (I don't know mom), how often she had gone perusing (um...yeah. several times. But not EVERY night. Sometimes I'm just too sleepy), why look up girl stuff and not boy stuff (I'm more interested in looking at the girl stuff), whether she likes girls versus boys (well, yeah. except I have crushes on boys not girls, so...I don't know) OH EM GEE!!! I'm trying really hard at this point not to hyperventilate and drive off right into a damn ditch. And then she wanted me to shut up with the questions. So I did. What I failed to realize was that she had some doozy questions of her own.

*baby jesus please save me*

"Uh, mom. so...what's the stuff that comes out of a girl?"

fuck my fucking liiiiiife!!!!

"Um...oh, it's uh. Well *ahem* some people call, shit. It's. Well."...which led into a very medical discussion on female ejaculate. But what the hell was she watching?? SQUIRTING videos?! Jesus Mary and Joseph! I didn't even discover those until 2 years ago. Good Christ!!

And then, the coup de gras....

"Mom, what's a vibrator?"

I just wanna know when my 8-year old decided to be 15? I totally blame the hormones in beef. This is NOT okay.

EDITED to add: since the little heathen is old enough to look at dirty pics, she now knows who Santa, the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny are. Sorry Toots.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Delicious dinner followed by Lubed Condoms.

[If my kids ever get hold of this blog, they'll smother me in my sleep. Must start locking bedroom door at night.]

I'll spare my little girl the shame of discussing how the topic TRULY came up, but for some reason, my 8-yo was asking sex questions last night. Actually, she started asking about CHEATING and that, naturally, led to a discussion about lust and sex. *hangs head in shame* Because I'm (??) mom, I expounded a bit. Maybe I need to lay off the Pinot Grigio for chrissake.

"So, what are nuts? OH!! Is THAT why the call is a 'sac'? and how does a girl not get pregnant?"


I am actually quite proud to announce that my daugher didn't know about sperm or erections...or (clearly) even about testicles. But her curiosity about condoms was fascinating. And so, in true ME fashion, I grabbed a condom out of my closet and I grabbed the last banana, and I called my son to come downstairs for a demonstration.

What seemed like a very informative and educational process is now etched in my brain as a "WHAT-THE-FUCK!? COULDN'T-THAT-HAVE-WAITED-A-COUPLE-MORE-YEARS?!" moment. Did I mention the STD pamphlet that daughter now has hidden in her 2nd drawer? Or the [extra] condom my son snatched out of my hand and fled back upstairs with?

FML. I need a goddamn parenting coach.