Wednesday, July 27, 2011

The Hurricane is coming. THE HURRICANE IS COMING!

Well, not exactly...

I will be stopping at Walmart on the way home this evening to stock up on supplies for the coming hurricane.  Okay, it's not a hurricane, it's a tropical storm, but I guran-dam-TEE you it will be the only thing Texans talk about from now until the weekend.  And also, I bet a month's rent that Walmart is packed with people in a frenzy: OH GOD! get snacks! GET WATER!! We're all gonna DIE!!!! I love the weather craze in this state.

Tropical Storm Don is entering the Gulf of Mexico and the projected path is Southeast Texas (Houston/Galveston).  Hopefully I'll have some personal "people of walmart" pics for you tomorrow.

UPDATE:  well that was very very disappointing.  There was no mayhem, no pushing and shoving, no wild-eyed feeding frenzy on the bottled water and the charcoal. There wasn't even a misfit available for my photographic pleasure.  Walmart, you continue to disappoint me. And yet...I continue to need you.  We are so dysfunctional. And I just can't quit you.  With anyluck we'll get a good tropical storm and I shall come to you again, after the flood waters recede, to replenish our supplies of low-quality goods and foodstuffs.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Drunk Men Shouldn't Attend Baby Showers

This past weekend the kids, Baby and I went to Baby's niece's baby shower.  The baby-daddy is a young 20-something Latino.  He seems nice enough.  However, there's apparently an unspoken code about accepting new males into the family. The code may involve violence or bladder-loosening fear.

Baby was in charge of the margarita's, which....I'm not sure it's wise to ever have liquor at a baby shower for two 20-something, underemployed, previous-baby-mama/daddy-having idjits. It is very possible that we unintentionally served alcohol to some minors, also. By the third pitcher of margaritas and one empty large bottle of 1800 Tequila later, the menfolk were getting rowdy in the kitchen and the women had retreated outdoors. GAME ON BITCHES! The niece's stepdad and Baby thought it was time to give the young baby-daddy the business. This is a phenomenon also known as Quien Es Mas Macho or Who Has The Bigger Nut Sack. Liquid courage is a dangerous thing.

Baby:  Let's GO!  Come on!  We can go out back and wrestle.

[I need to break in here to remind you that Baby and the stepdad are 40-ish.]

Hostess [Baby's sister]:  OMG!  Not wrestling!

Stepdad: [throws down his watch and IPhone] LET'S DO THIS! 

Baby: [pulls out a wad of cash, throws down $100 bill] I put a c-note on it.  COME ON, Son!  What you got?!

New Baby-Daddy: [deer in the headlights]

Larry [Baby-Daddy's friend]: hey...uh.  There's a basketball court up the street.

Stepdad and Baby in unison:  HELL YEAH!!  Let's go boys!

Stepdad goes into his room to change.  Baby, however, did not have a change of clothes. He burst in on his 8-year old nephew.

Baby: Gimme those shorts, boy.

Nephew: [looks down at the shorts he's wearing] No. [returns to playing his Xbox]

Baby: Dammit... [rummages through nephew's belongings]

Enter Stage left:  Baby in an 8-year old's pair of white basketball shorts.

Fuck My Life. Remember back in the 70's when dudes used to wear their jeans so tight that it was the equivalent of a camel-toe?  A male camel toe is basically what Baby was offering us.  I need to remind you that we're still at a BABY SHOWER.

[insert more shit talking from the elder statesmen]

Grandpa, in an effort to maintain some order, ushered all the boys into his large SUV.  The niece and I followed in my car. Poor she is 9 months pregnant and she's about to watch her uncle and her stepdad humiliate, torture and possibly injure her boyfriend.

The basketball game commences, but WAIT.  There's already a little boy on the court. They somehow commandeer his basketball and he takes it upon himself to be the unofficial official. Why was this little boy talking more shit than anyone else?  I think he was feeding off the testosterone of the players. The one hour long game was punctuated by one twisted knee, one turned ankle, a minor groin pull, a possible rib contusion, several trips and falls, very FEW jump shots made, and a handful of blisters.  The niece almost went into labor and started yelling "I'm gonna call my MOM" when Baby and the baby-daddy started wrestling for the ball and neither would give an inch.

The moral of this story is: when you decide to have a baby, meet the WHOLE family first and decide if you really wanna get involved with these machismo nutjobs. The initiation could get you killed.

I give props to the Baby-Daddy though.  As bad as their basketball skills were, they beat the old farts by 3 points. And no one got shanked.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Vagina Dialogues

I have a very diverse group of friends...all races, nationalities, colors and sizes, regular people, executive types, swingers, bisexuals, transgenders, wholesome christian folks and everyone in between. Nine times out of ten all of us are able to coexist in harmony and things stay sane, respectful and calm.  Sometimes, though, debauchery breaks out and unbelievably wild things go on. It's these times that I pray my memory keeps and I'm able, in my later years, to recall how hard I lived and that I lived how I wanted, enjoying every moment of life without doing harm to man or the environment. Or small farm animals.

Tonight I'm going to an all-girl party.  I won't be able to post any details.  I will say that the hostess stipulates that all cameras will be confiscated at midnight. You do the math.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Where I prove that I may have a lil ADD

I heard on the radio this morning that a guy in South Texas reported seeing a chupacabra.  He swears it was a real chupacabra...or a really hairy coyote. But probably a chupacabra.  I started to look up the news story on the intertubes and I realized that almost all the chupacabra stories and sightings are in Texas. *hmmmmm* Either we're insane here in the south, or there's something sinister lurking.  Until I see my very own chupacabra, I will reserve judgment.

In downtown today, while on my smoke break, I watched a cop pull over a dump truck. The truck drove on for a couple of blocks.  I assume he didn't realize he was being closely followed by the cop since the cop had no siren blaring. They need to figure out a way to put a siren on a horse. This was the second time I've seen a horseman stop a traffic violator. It is very disconcerting.  I think they can only issue tickets, right? I mean, how do you cuff a suspect and put him in the back of.....wait.  ON the back of ....nope.  Just can't see it.

There are lots of animals in Texas.  Lots of animals all the time everywhere.  In the spring driving into work I see no less than 4 species of animals per morning commute: bird of some sort, a pack of vultures [I don't count them as birds because they're just so gross and stuff], bunnies [probably feral, rip-the-skin-off-your-face bunnies, but super cute from a distance], deer [please don't run in front of my moving car], horses and cows. I don't see too many deer in the summer, but they are out in full force in the spring and fall seasons. I think I had a point to make with all this animal talk, but I've since lost interest because...

OOOOH!!  Snacks!!

Buh Bye.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Does the nation need a Death Museum? Apparently so.

I was driving through the hood yesterday and I noticed the National Museum of Funeral History. My first obvious thought was, "well, at least the gang murder victims won't have to go far". Which, come on now.   That's TOTALLY unfair and very prejudiced of me.  I mean, the museum isn't the Coroner. And the Coroner comes to you, doesn't he? travel time involved at all.

What I didn't understand about the museum was: isn't death a pretty basic natural occurence?  Who needs a whole museum for death and funerals?  Apparently the nation does.

I was looking through the website this morning.  I have no intention of visiting the museum.  I have an uncanny "gift" for creating mayhem.  It would be just like me to end up getting trapped in a fancy, antique coffin when I accidentally on purpose got into it just to see what it feels like.  I'd suffocate overnight and then the next day, the new visitors would think I was just some rotting part of the funeral exhibit. I'd be stuck in a damn museum for eternity with people staring at me and judging me all day long for a price. I can do that without being dead thankyouverymuch.

I was looking at the "Admission" section and they should totally change the name to something like "Museum Visitor Entry and Exit Costs".  Frankly I don't ever want to be "admitted" to a funeral museum.  I just think the implications are sketchy and a little terrifying. There's nothing in the "admission" page that suggests you get to exit.  I don't think I need to add that a museum is always looking to upgrade its material and keep things - *gag* - fresh for the audience. I'm really disturbed that kids under 3 are being admitted for free.  As though they are just a little TOO fresh and therefore worth less in a death exhibit. They should make the seniors free and charge kids under 3 at least $15.  Wait!  Who brings a kid under 3 to look at coffins??  The FUCK?

The museum has several exhibits including: Papal Exhibit, Day of the Dead, 1900's Casket Factory and Embalming. I need to know if they do Saturday workshops similar to Home Depot.  Like Saturday at 10am they show which "L" brackets to use on which coffin, depending on the type of wood you use. Stick around for the Saturday 1130am workshop where they discuss which color palate to use for which decedent on Dia de los Muertos and receive a free hot dog.  BRING THE KIDS!!

My very most favorite exhibit is the Fantasy Coffins.  These are just weird! Seriously, if I had to create or requisition my own personal coffin, it would probably look more like a wine bar.  Or a penis.  Or a vagina. That'd be funny...going out in a rigid vagina coffin.  Kind of the same way I came in.