Friday, January 27, 2012

Rather enjoying the medical vacation

Besides the fact that I'm missing several organs and I have stab wounds in my abdomen and sometimes it hurts to poop, I am quite enjoying being taken fully care of and not having to do one.damn.thing. If you really want to know the level of someone's love and devotion to you, go have surgery. You'll find out in a matter of days whether your loved one has enough love to take care of you like an invalid. I have drawn the line at bathing me, but otherwise, my love has literally done everything for me. I even gave him a grocery list the other day and asked for AZO tablets for a suspected UTI and he brought me AZO "Yeast infection" tablets by mistake. But he BOUGHT yeast infection tablets...that's like buying tampons x1000.

Today is two weeks since my hysterectomy. I probably shouldn't be smoking and drinking already, but, let's face it, I'm a hedonist - I'm all about MY quality of life. So, I do as I please. Other than those habits, I'm healing well, I think.

I'd like to insert something witty, but I gave away most of my painkillers, so I'm not nearly high enough to be joke-y.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Removing organs is no picnic.

I had planned, in my naivete, to post regular updates about my hysterectomy. It appears, however, that I am a shit patient and I really don't feel like being a poster child. This shit is for the birds. Recovery SUCKS hairy fetid balls. The only shining beacon is my family which has been incredibly supportive. The man is the best nursemaid e.v.e.r. - he dotes on me. So much so that I'm uncomfortable...I'm not used to having someone care so much for ME that he stands quite figuratively in my shoes. He is doing all the kid taxi/sports/school stuff, he cooks, cleans...the whole nine yards.

Anyway, I've only come here to say I'll come back here when I feel better and my mood isn't somewhere between murderous and maudlin.


Tuesday, January 10, 2012

More talk of female plumbing

I regret to inform you that soon I will be off work following a hysterectomy and will probably be posting drug-induced blog updates about my female parts.

I am scheduled to have the da Vinci method (robotic arm) hysterectomy and cervix removal on Friday, January 13th. What's that? Do I know that's FRIDAY THE 13TH? Why yes. Yes, I do. Just so happens that's always been a good luck day for me. And while I'm not nervous about the procedure itself, I am nervous about which things will work or NOT work a few months from now.

I made the huge mistake of visiting a "support website" for hysterectomy patients. I know what I'm getting into, but sweet baby Jesus on a ritz cracker...these women could put on a doom and gloom clinic. After visiting the website I am now convinced that I will be sexually dysfunctional to the point of no penetration whatsoever, I will gain 80 pounds, I will have severe anxiety and hysteria for the rest of my life, and terrible, unspeakable things will happen all over the world. Apparently a woman's uterus removal can cause the world to stop spinning. I just really wish I hadn't gone to that damn website.

And YOU?! You will have the pleasure of following all the high drama and talk of my human internal organs for the next couple of weeks. Unless I'm too high on pain killers...then I"ll just disappear and reappear in February like nothing ever happened.

Wish me luck, bitches!