Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Important Rules for humans living in Texas.

As a US citizen born and raised to age 17 on Canadian soil, I've had thepleasure to live in a few different Canadian and US states and cities. Nothing compares to Texas in terms of natural events and organisms. I have a few rules I now live by for as long as I shall live in Texas.
  1. Never put on any garment without first shaking it out.
  2. That piece of lint on your shirt is not lint if it has legs that suddenly move.
  3. Tree roaches don't give a good goddamn how much money you have, how clean your house is, where you live or what you wear to bed.
  4. Tree roaches will join you in the sack if they fucking feel like it.
  5. The doorway that you passed through on your way out may be the new home to a large spider and his new web when you get back from your afternoon outing. Swipe hands in large circles every time you leave or enter your dwelling. Or maybe that's just me??
  6. Nine times out of ten that cat in your backyard at night isn't a cat at all.
  7. Everyone is packing heat. Don't try to rob anyone. Ever.
  8. The Texas summer wants you to die.
  9. A perfectly normal looking street will become a flood zone with a minimal amount of rain. Don't ever drive into any puddle in Texas unless you have experience getting out of a completely submerged car.
  10. Regular thunderstorms are kind of awesome, but if the black sky turns a weird barf green color, take immediate shelter in a bathtub or inside closet.
  11. Don't ever underestimate the power and intelligence of the one dude wearing a 10-gallon hat and driving the big pick up truck.
  12. Rednecks are real but they rarely look like you'd expect.
  13. Football is God.
  14. Texans really do grill and BBQ as much as you'd imagine.
  15. If you're driving and you suddenly see a shadow drop down and you think it might be a bug, pull over immediately and scour your vehicle. It's probably worse than you even think.
  16. Texas mosquitoes can lift a small dog. Almost.
  17. If you don't own a tent, canopy, stadium chairs, lawn chairs or bug spray, it's likely that you're just passing through and you have no intention of being in Texas for very long.
  18. If you're childless and you don't like football, you don't live in Texas - what's the point?
  19. A lot of women wear wigs and hair weaves (see #8 above).
  20. It is perfectly legal to spank the shit out of your kids in Texas.  (which....see #11 above)
  21. Stay vigilant for any bug, lizard, snake, chupacabra, foreign organism to land on you at any point in time not matter where you are or what you're doing. You will become a cold blooded killer here. Kill or be killed my friends. (and by killed I mean terrified enough that you could literally shit yourself)