Normally, I am a very balanced and sane person. However, last week, I had the inevitable post-hysterectomy mental incapacitation. I decided, in my crazed stupor, that I would go through my man's cell phone to see if he's cheating on me. HUH? You're wondering if I had any reason to suspect him of cheating? No. None whatsoever. Except the WHOREMOANS told me to do it and I believed them. They are very powerful.
I went through his phone and saw a text to some chick named "Venus" that stated Hey baby! when are we going to lunch. I'm getting hungry. LOL! HOLY SHITBALLS! He's having lunch with some chick he calls "baby". WAIT! I'M BABY!!
After dissolving into a puddle of tears for the next 2 days straight, like a fool, I asked him about it. Because I couldn't reason with myself that it wasn't what I thought it was. I know some of you readers will think I'm being naive, but when I tell you he wouldn't cheat, I mean he'd cheat as much as I would cheat. We think the same way on this: if we want to step outside the relationship, each of us is free to do that. Just make your way out...and don't bother coming back. No hard feelings. So, I asked him about the text and he was a) shocked that I'd checked his phone; b) was very disappointed that I didn't trust him and; c) he explained that he and his friends had been swapping phone while they were in Vegas the week before - the text was from his friend Bip to Bip's girl, Venus. And here's how I know he was telling the truth: because he always spells "Hey" as "Hay" and he never uses the LOL. Also? There would have been 2 to 3 other spelling errors in his text. Again, I'm not being naive. I just KNOW how he writes. So. I believe him and I curse the fucking whoremoans to hell for making me THAT GIRL.
In other news, I have quit my job. Unfortunately, the firm has asked me to stay on for the term of my 2 week notice. I was hoping they'd tell me to fuck off and kick rocks so I could go home and get paid to lay around for 2 weeks. My new job allegedly starts on March 5th. Yeah, I said allegedly. I took a pee test today as part of the pre-employment testing. I don't do drugs, let me just say that now. But my man smokes copious amounts of weed. In the evenings after the kids are asleep he sits beside me and smokes his herb. I don't know if it has ever been proven if a contact high is real or not real. I guess I'll find out when my pee test comes back. It would REALLY suck to fail a pee test based on not having smoked weed since 1994.
I also had to complete a "physical" for the pre-employment test. The physical consisted of my height, my weight, could I read a line on a vision testing chart and could I touch my toes. When the nurse gave me the thingy to cover my eye for the vision test (cover one eye, read, then cover the other eye and read), I stared at the instrument with horror. "Uh, can someone clean this off for me? Sorry, but I have no idea how many filthy eyeballs have been on this thing." Last thing I need is herpes of the fucking eye because some creeper didn't disclose his STDs.
I should have kept last week's whoremoans. It's easier to do stuff I don't want to do when I am able to be a complete raving bitch the whole time I'm doing it.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Friday, February 10, 2012
Life changes maybe shouldn't happen when you're high
But then again....maybe they totally should. I wasn't high when I started this change, but I'm periodically on pain meds now. Someone could successfully argue that being high is not the right time to make life changes. But I would never hang around those people, so....fuck 'em.
I have mentioned before that I'm sort of unhappy about my job situation. I'm a lot happier lately, but only because I'm being paid to stay home for the past 4 weeks. I don't know if that counts as being happy with my job CURRENTLY. In any event, it seems I have talked myself into a new job. I had an initial interview in December, but I had a second interview about 2 weeks after my surgery. It seems they would like to hire me as soon as possible. They have even sent me an offer letter. There are a few loose ends that need tied up before I can accept their offer, including negotiating an extra benefit to which I would not be entitled as a new employee. Also, I would very much like to collect my bonus and dividend from the current company which pays out this month, but is based on last year's performance. It will take some slick PR work on my part, but I think I can make it all happen without hurting too many feelings. In the long run, the only feelings that matter are mine, Because, just so happens, I live with myself every day and I'll likely never see any of those other people again.
My son is driving me insane. He's 13 and a total fucktard!! I hope he loses some of the attitude by the time he's 16. He's ADHD and hyper off the charts when he's not on his meds. I try to keep him burning his energy. Right now he's in track, baseball and basketball! He has enough energy for every person in my house. He has the type of energy people sell on street corners in front of liquor stores in the 'hood. Some days I wonder how much I could get for him if I sell him at those liquor stores.
I'll take my leave now. The tylenol 3 and glass of wine are calling...in harmony.
I have mentioned before that I'm sort of unhappy about my job situation. I'm a lot happier lately, but only because I'm being paid to stay home for the past 4 weeks. I don't know if that counts as being happy with my job CURRENTLY. In any event, it seems I have talked myself into a new job. I had an initial interview in December, but I had a second interview about 2 weeks after my surgery. It seems they would like to hire me as soon as possible. They have even sent me an offer letter. There are a few loose ends that need tied up before I can accept their offer, including negotiating an extra benefit to which I would not be entitled as a new employee. Also, I would very much like to collect my bonus and dividend from the current company which pays out this month, but is based on last year's performance. It will take some slick PR work on my part, but I think I can make it all happen without hurting too many feelings. In the long run, the only feelings that matter are mine, Because, just so happens, I live with myself every day and I'll likely never see any of those other people again.
My son is driving me insane. He's 13 and a total fucktard!! I hope he loses some of the attitude by the time he's 16. He's ADHD and hyper off the charts when he's not on his meds. I try to keep him burning his energy. Right now he's in track, baseball and basketball! He has enough energy for every person in my house. He has the type of energy people sell on street corners in front of liquor stores in the 'hood. Some days I wonder how much I could get for him if I sell him at those liquor stores.
I'll take my leave now. The tylenol 3 and glass of wine are calling...in harmony.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Rather enjoying the medical vacation
Besides the fact that I'm missing several organs and I have stab wounds in my abdomen and sometimes it hurts to poop, I am quite enjoying being taken fully care of and not having to do one.damn.thing. If you really want to know the level of someone's love and devotion to you, go have surgery. You'll find out in a matter of days whether your loved one has enough love to take care of you like an invalid. I have drawn the line at bathing me, but otherwise, my love has literally done everything for me. I even gave him a grocery list the other day and asked for AZO tablets for a suspected UTI and he brought me AZO "Yeast infection" tablets by mistake. But he BOUGHT yeast infection tablets...that's like buying tampons x1000.
Today is two weeks since my hysterectomy. I probably shouldn't be smoking and drinking already, but, let's face it, I'm a hedonist - I'm all about MY quality of life. So, I do as I please. Other than those habits, I'm healing well, I think.
I'd like to insert something witty, but I gave away most of my painkillers, so I'm not nearly high enough to be joke-y.
Today is two weeks since my hysterectomy. I probably shouldn't be smoking and drinking already, but, let's face it, I'm a hedonist - I'm all about MY quality of life. So, I do as I please. Other than those habits, I'm healing well, I think.
I'd like to insert something witty, but I gave away most of my painkillers, so I'm not nearly high enough to be joke-y.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Removing organs is no picnic.
I had planned, in my naivete, to post regular updates about my hysterectomy. It appears, however, that I am a shit patient and I really don't feel like being a poster child. This shit is for the birds. Recovery SUCKS hairy fetid balls. The only shining beacon is my family which has been incredibly supportive. The man is the best nursemaid e.v.e.r. - he dotes on me. So much so that I'm uncomfortable...I'm not used to having someone care so much for ME that he stands quite figuratively in my shoes. He is doing all the kid taxi/sports/school stuff, he cooks, cleans...the whole nine yards.
Anyway, I've only come here to say I'll come back here when I feel better and my mood isn't somewhere between murderous and maudlin.
Cheers.
Anyway, I've only come here to say I'll come back here when I feel better and my mood isn't somewhere between murderous and maudlin.
Cheers.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
More talk of female plumbing
I regret to inform you that soon I will be off work following a hysterectomy and will probably be posting drug-induced blog updates about my female parts.
I am scheduled to have the da Vinci method (robotic arm) hysterectomy and cervix removal on Friday, January 13th. What's that? Do I know that's FRIDAY THE 13TH? Why yes. Yes, I do. Just so happens that's always been a good luck day for me. And while I'm not nervous about the procedure itself, I am nervous about which things will work or NOT work a few months from now.
I made the huge mistake of visiting a "support website" for hysterectomy patients. I know what I'm getting into, but sweet baby Jesus on a ritz cracker...these women could put on a doom and gloom clinic. After visiting the website I am now convinced that I will be sexually dysfunctional to the point of no penetration whatsoever, I will gain 80 pounds, I will have severe anxiety and hysteria for the rest of my life, and terrible, unspeakable things will happen all over the world. Apparently a woman's uterus removal can cause the world to stop spinning. I just really wish I hadn't gone to that damn website.
And YOU?! You will have the pleasure of following all the high drama and talk of my human internal organs for the next couple of weeks. Unless I'm too high on pain killers...then I"ll just disappear and reappear in February like nothing ever happened.
Wish me luck, bitches!
I am scheduled to have the da Vinci method (robotic arm) hysterectomy and cervix removal on Friday, January 13th. What's that? Do I know that's FRIDAY THE 13TH? Why yes. Yes, I do. Just so happens that's always been a good luck day for me. And while I'm not nervous about the procedure itself, I am nervous about which things will work or NOT work a few months from now.
I made the huge mistake of visiting a "support website" for hysterectomy patients. I know what I'm getting into, but sweet baby Jesus on a ritz cracker...these women could put on a doom and gloom clinic. After visiting the website I am now convinced that I will be sexually dysfunctional to the point of no penetration whatsoever, I will gain 80 pounds, I will have severe anxiety and hysteria for the rest of my life, and terrible, unspeakable things will happen all over the world. Apparently a woman's uterus removal can cause the world to stop spinning. I just really wish I hadn't gone to that damn website.
And YOU?! You will have the pleasure of following all the high drama and talk of my human internal organs for the next couple of weeks. Unless I'm too high on pain killers...then I"ll just disappear and reappear in February like nothing ever happened.
Wish me luck, bitches!
Friday, December 30, 2011
2011 Review - also, tattoos are permanent, sweetie.
There is one more day left in 2011. I have a lot of FB friends posting about how 2012 is going to be "their year!!!!!" and good things are coming and blah blah blah. What I know for sure is you only have this very second to live. January 1, 2012 isn't guaranteed to any of us and why wait until Sunday to begin your best life ever? Start now.
My 2011 fairly consisted of a beautiful love story carried over from it's unlikely beginning in 2010. This year my kids have continued to grow and remain healthy. They're not perfect, but then, I'm not nearly the perfect mom. My bar is set lower than most, probably. My wish is that they carry over tomorrow what they're practicing today and that they continue their forward progress. My best hope is that they make decent enough choices to see them into a productive and self-reliant adulthood with minimal stresses and heartbreaks. I would call that a Success.
This year also opened up new internal doors for me. While I've largely been content being a secretary, I suddenly decided it wasn't good enough any more. Enrolling in university (online) has given me a new avenue in terms of my brain capacity and possible future educational, professional and economic opportunities. I plan to maximize every.single.resource. available to get to where I'm meant to go.
My extended family has made some interesting life changes this year. My exhusband went from homeless to having a roommate. Last I heard, he was on the road to being homeless again. Part of me wishes there was some miracle that would get his mind right. Part of me doesn't care. The stepkids have gone in completely different directions. My stepson is still in the Marine Corps and he seems to be doing well. My stepdaughter...well. She is still jobless and living with some dude and 4 other people in a one-bedroom apartment. It's unfortunate, but there's little I can do to get her to see where's she's headed. Let's face it, she's been doing the same thing for about 2 years and she's in the same spot: nowhere. On the plus side, she did get a new tattoo. It's a "peace sign" with a butterfly on it. Except....not really. Even my nine year old daughter said, "wait...
.....isn't that a Mercedes sign?" FML.
My resolution for 2012 is to just keep doing what I'm doing today. Your only opportunity to be great is TODAY.
My 2011 fairly consisted of a beautiful love story carried over from it's unlikely beginning in 2010. This year my kids have continued to grow and remain healthy. They're not perfect, but then, I'm not nearly the perfect mom. My bar is set lower than most, probably. My wish is that they carry over tomorrow what they're practicing today and that they continue their forward progress. My best hope is that they make decent enough choices to see them into a productive and self-reliant adulthood with minimal stresses and heartbreaks. I would call that a Success.
This year also opened up new internal doors for me. While I've largely been content being a secretary, I suddenly decided it wasn't good enough any more. Enrolling in university (online) has given me a new avenue in terms of my brain capacity and possible future educational, professional and economic opportunities. I plan to maximize every.single.resource. available to get to where I'm meant to go.
My extended family has made some interesting life changes this year. My exhusband went from homeless to having a roommate. Last I heard, he was on the road to being homeless again. Part of me wishes there was some miracle that would get his mind right. Part of me doesn't care. The stepkids have gone in completely different directions. My stepson is still in the Marine Corps and he seems to be doing well. My stepdaughter...well. She is still jobless and living with some dude and 4 other people in a one-bedroom apartment. It's unfortunate, but there's little I can do to get her to see where's she's headed. Let's face it, she's been doing the same thing for about 2 years and she's in the same spot: nowhere. On the plus side, she did get a new tattoo. It's a "peace sign" with a butterfly on it. Except....not really. Even my nine year old daughter said, "wait...
.....isn't that a Mercedes sign?" FML.
My resolution for 2012 is to just keep doing what I'm doing today. Your only opportunity to be great is TODAY.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
I guess I need to put Armageddon on the 2012 calendar?
My need for order forces me to calendar specific events with each new year. Events such as national/work holidays, kid days off school, daylight savings....and, apparently, the end of the world. Whilst researching the actually day the clocks move forward in spring 2012 I stumbled upon the following list on the http://www.day-finder.com/ website:
Listen. I don't believe in coincidence. But I do believe in weird shit. Like zombies. And Tinkerbell. And I think it's no coincidence that I just now got a paper cut without touching any paper whatsoever. Unless I got it earlier and just now noticed. Still. I find it strange and mystical. And I bet that wound is totally related to the fact that one year from today, the world will end according to Nostradamus. Won't it be a trip if the prediction is actually right and we all disintegrate? I'm not much a believer in psychic shit, so I won't be giving all my worldly possessions to some crackpot spiritual leader. I won't be spending my last dollars on whores and whisky. I won't walk off the job on the 20th of December 2012 and tell my boss to go fuck herself sideways. But juuuuust in case...I will likely have a quiet dinner at home with ALL my loved ones. You know....just.in.case.
When are other Important Days in 2012?
Huh. mmmmm'kay. So, should I put that one on the calendar? If I do calendar it, when should I set the reminder? Fifteen minutes? A week? What is the customary reminder for the end of the world calendar notice? WAIT A DAMN MINUTE! The calendar says the end of the world is December 21st, 2012. Do you know that today is December 21st, 2011! WHAT THE ?? Listen. I don't believe in coincidence. But I do believe in weird shit. Like zombies. And Tinkerbell. And I think it's no coincidence that I just now got a paper cut without touching any paper whatsoever. Unless I got it earlier and just now noticed. Still. I find it strange and mystical. And I bet that wound is totally related to the fact that one year from today, the world will end according to Nostradamus. Won't it be a trip if the prediction is actually right and we all disintegrate? I'm not much a believer in psychic shit, so I won't be giving all my worldly possessions to some crackpot spiritual leader. I won't be spending my last dollars on whores and whisky. I won't walk off the job on the 20th of December 2012 and tell my boss to go fuck herself sideways. But juuuuust in case...I will likely have a quiet dinner at home with ALL my loved ones. You know....just.in.case.
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