Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Important Rules for humans living in Texas.

As a US citizen born and raised to age 17 on Canadian soil, I've had thepleasure to live in a few different Canadian and US states and cities. Nothing compares to Texas in terms of natural events and organisms. I have a few rules I now live by for as long as I shall live in Texas.
  1. Never put on any garment without first shaking it out.
  2. That piece of lint on your shirt is not lint if it has legs that suddenly move.
  3. Tree roaches don't give a good goddamn how much money you have, how clean your house is, where you live or what you wear to bed.
  4. Tree roaches will join you in the sack if they fucking feel like it.
  5. The doorway that you passed through on your way out may be the new home to a large spider and his new web when you get back from your afternoon outing. Swipe hands in large circles every time you leave or enter your dwelling. Or maybe that's just me??
  6. Nine times out of ten that cat in your backyard at night isn't a cat at all.
  7. Everyone is packing heat. Don't try to rob anyone. Ever.
  8. The Texas summer wants you to die.
  9. A perfectly normal looking street will become a flood zone with a minimal amount of rain. Don't ever drive into any puddle in Texas unless you have experience getting out of a completely submerged car.
  10. Regular thunderstorms are kind of awesome, but if the black sky turns a weird barf green color, take immediate shelter in a bathtub or inside closet.
  11. Don't ever underestimate the power and intelligence of the one dude wearing a 10-gallon hat and driving the big pick up truck.
  12. Rednecks are real but they rarely look like you'd expect.
  13. Football is God.
  14. Texans really do grill and BBQ as much as you'd imagine.
  15. If you're driving and you suddenly see a shadow drop down and you think it might be a bug, pull over immediately and scour your vehicle. It's probably worse than you even think.
  16. Texas mosquitoes can lift a small dog. Almost.
  17. If you don't own a tent, canopy, stadium chairs, lawn chairs or bug spray, it's likely that you're just passing through and you have no intention of being in Texas for very long.
  18. If you're childless and you don't like football, you don't live in Texas - what's the point?
  19. A lot of women wear wigs and hair weaves (see #8 above).
  20. It is perfectly legal to spank the shit out of your kids in Texas.  (which....see #11 above)
  21. Stay vigilant for any bug, lizard, snake, chupacabra, foreign organism to land on you at any point in time not matter where you are or what you're doing. You will become a cold blooded killer here. Kill or be killed my friends. (and by killed I mean terrified enough that you could literally shit yourself)

Friday, February 1, 2013

I'm terrified of the Government

I even titled this post Government with a capital "G".

I filed my taxes weeks early this year. I used an online tax preparation and filing service. The system walked me though all the possible deductions and credits and this year I discovered 2 student tax credits. One for $1,500 and one for $2,500. You can't claim them both in the same year, but you can claim each for 3 years, I believe. So I thought to myself, wait a minute....I've been a real student since 2011. Did they have the credit in 2011? THEY DID. And for some reason, I totally missed it.

About 3 days after I e-filed my 2012 taxes, I mailed a hard copy amendment to my 2011 taxes. And now I'm TERRIFIED that the IRS is going to think I'm up to something and they're going to keep my refund and charge me some sort of fuck you fee for trying to bilk them out of $2,500. I know how the IRS is!! A few years ago they garnished my wages because there was some discrepancy with a filing from when I was married to whats-his-face. In fact, the error wasn't even mine, but because *I* was the one who was employed and *I* was the one with the income and it was a joint return, they consider each party 100% responsible, not 50% for him and 50% for her. I just hope they look at my mailed amendment, say "oh, she's right on this one", send me the money and forget about me until January 2014.

However, since I have the Luck of the Seven Whores, I'll probably have them show up at my door and arrest me for impersonating a grown up.  FML.


HOOOOOOOOOLY SHITBALLS!!! SEE? I think they're monitoring my every move!!  Not 30 minutes after I posted this blog, I received the following email:

On Monday, January 28, 2013, the IRS announced that it has added Form 8863 to the list of delayed forms that cannot be submitted to the IRS until mid-February (an official date has not been determined). http://www.irs.gov/uac/Newsroom/List-of-IRS-forms-that-1040-filers-can-begin-filing-in-late-February-or-into-March-2013

Since the return you have submitted to TaxACT contained Form 8863, Education Credits (American Opportunity and Lifetime Learning Credits), and it was ACCEPTED by the IRS, the IRS will hold it until they are able to process Form 8863 in mid-February. You do not need to take any additional action at this time.


GAAAAH!!!!! I need to go find my tinfoil hat!!  BYE!


It is now February 22nd and the mutha-fuckin' IRS still hasn't run me my money. The worst part? I can even write a nasty letter to them. I'm behind the goddamn 8-ball and there's nothing to do but shut up and wait. PINCHE' IRS!!!!!

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

I for sure didn't die

I don't suppose I have anything too interesting to share. Let's see, I went to Jamaica - that was a highlight of my life! I'm still in school. My son is starting high school and my daughter is starting 5th grade. I have a new (great) job where I do barely anything and they think I walk on fucking water. Still blissfully in love. I, frankly, feel a little guilty about having nothing scandalous or salacious to share. The ex is still in California (as far as I can tell). My stepdaughter is 20 and she has 3 jobs...which as we all know means that she'll have a hard goddamn life for a long while until/unless she figures out that she needs education and stability. My stepson is still a marine - he will be going to Europe at the end of this summer.

I am adoring this Olympic season, even though very few Canadians are winning stuff. It's a battle between the US and China for world athletic dominance. Which...if you look at it, I guess represents the real political atmosphere, doesn't it? China doesn't boast and brag, but the come in a sweep up in medals (read: money and loans). The US is braggadocios and boisterous and expected to win everything (read: expected to beat China).

Anything else exciting? Not really. I have the same smart phone I've had for almost 2 years. That's kind of a big deal. I eat a lot more fruit now. Which makes my colon very happy. I did get a new tattoo for my birthday. It's badass, but now I want more...I want to connect it to something bigger. I just don't know how or what.

So, as you can see, I've been as regular and boring as the rest of you. Nothing calamitous, nothing earth-shattering....basically just a normal, happy, underrated life.

For now.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Maybe janitors just don't ever eat??

I am kind of fucking MORTIFIED at the moment. This new job is pretty cool. I'm still "just" a secretary, but this time, my desk/cube is RIGHT by the kitchen. Bonus! Also, I'm in charge of a conference room and whatever leftover food there is, I put in the kitchen for the vultures to descend upon. I'm Vulture #1 - I get my plate before the creepers start breathing all over everything. Don't fucking judge me, I'm a germophobe and most Americans don't wash their hands nearly enough. You've read my buffet restaurant blog, yes? No? Go find it...it's down there somewhere.

I noticed the other day that, no matter WHAT I've put out as left-overs, the cleaning lady never touches it. Not one time have I seen her sneak a cookie or take a box lunch. I just now asked her:

Me: I notice you never take any food when there is food available in the kitchen.

Very adorable cleaning lady: oh, no! I don' feel right about eet.

Me: Why? You don't like it? I can understand that, if you don't like the food.

Very adorable cleaning lady:  no, I like eet. I just feel that I'm not supposed to touch eet.

Me: o_o Um, WHY THE HELL NOT? You work here, right? The food is for everyone, yes? I work here, you work here, we all have the same right to the same food that is left out for EVERYONE.

Very adorable cleaning lady: ok, ok. *grin* thank you. Now I feel better. I just thought I wasn't allowed to touch eet.

Have we done this??  Have we created this society and this culture of shame and displacement? I think we have. I think that I'm not the first person to notice the lady never touched the food. I bet I'm the 25th person who noticed. HOW can I be the first person to ever say "you're welcome to any food"? It's disgraceful that an employee would feel like such a low class of staff member that she wouldn't be afforded the opportunity to eat if she's hungry and the food is available. The fact that most of us turn a blind eye serves to reinforce her feeling of insubordination and "our" feeling of superiority, whether conscious or subconscious. We perpetuate the class warfare and we don't even know it.  But you know what? The Very adorable cleaning lady knows it.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Just passing through...nothing to see here...except maybe a leprechaun

I'm so damn busy that I haven't been on facebook more than 5 minutes in the past 2 weeks. New job, weird hours (sometimes), school started, my kids' activities, cooking, cleaning....basically all the regular mom shyte. I'll post something worth posting soon.

OH!! OH!!!  I'm going to New Orleans for St. Patty's day. I hope to have stories of green puke and leprechauns when I get back. I am actually going with 7 other girls....one of whom is a dwarf. No. I'm not kidding. I hope no one throws a pot of gold at her....wait. On the other hand.....

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

The Help

I promise, if I ever earn a position of quasi-power, I will NEVER treat my subordinates like furniture. I won't.

One of the main reasons I am starting a new job next week is that I do not have any flexibility to deal with my kid stuff. At this current job, if my kid gets sick, my boss (and her boss) say things like, "you DO know that EAs don't have the luuuuxury of working at home." On a Tuesday in December when it was 20 degrees outside and my furnace went out and we were all huddled between space heaters and the fireplace for the night, I had to be home during the next work day to have my new furnace installed. (Did I mention....20 degrees??). And, I got the "you DO know that EAs don't have the luuuuxury of working at home" spiel. To which I responded, "what would you suggest I do? I can wait until Saturday. I certainly hope it doesn't get any colder." FUCKTARDS. Any other person in my office (besides "the help") would have just said, "I'm having a furnace installed. I'll get to the office when I can." BUH-BYE.

My point is this: I am fully functioning, 42-year old, intelligent parent of human people. I'm not an idjit, I'm not slow, I don't need special accommodations, I can read and write, I understand every aspect of my job perfectly. I'm not a piece of office furniture. If you have to make me feel like a piece of shit in order to make yourself feel more powerful...? You've got the wrong bitch. I'll be respectful and accommodating. I really will. BUT when you start treating me like the house nigga (or worse yet...the field nigga), I get all irked and I start becoming very difficult.

About once a week, my boss comes in late or leaves early or takes an extra long lunch so she can go to a kid event. I think it's GREAT! As a fellow mom, I appreciate her taking the time out of her very precious day to do a kid thing. I do not have that luxury. I understand perfectly well that, on the professional food chain, I'm right near the bottom. I get it. However, as a fellow MOM, I would have expected the boss-lady to have some compassion or at the very least, some understanding and flexibility enough to allow me to enjoy the occasional kid event during a work period.

I am now in full pursuit of an actual career. My new job is still in a support role. However, my new boss is known for developing his staff. After I earn my BS degree, I will (hopefully) move within the new company. I do not plan to eat shit for much longer.

I'm leaving 30 minutes early from work today to get my son to his basketball practice on time. The fuck are they gonna do? fire me? Smoke THAT bitches!

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Whoremoans are REAL

Normally, I am a very balanced and sane person. However, last week, I had the inevitable post-hysterectomy mental incapacitation. I decided, in my crazed stupor, that I would go through my man's cell phone to see if he's cheating on me. HUH?  You're wondering if I had any reason to suspect him of cheating? No. None whatsoever. Except the WHOREMOANS told me to do it and I believed them. They are very powerful.

I went through his phone and saw a text to some chick named "Venus" that stated Hey baby! when are we going to lunch. I'm getting hungry. LOL! HOLY SHITBALLS! He's having lunch with some chick he calls "baby". WAIT! I'M BABY!!

After dissolving into a puddle of tears for the next 2 days straight, like a fool, I asked him about it. Because I couldn't reason with myself that it wasn't what I thought it was. I know some of you readers will think I'm being naive, but when I tell you he wouldn't cheat, I mean he'd cheat as much as I would cheat. We think the same way on this: if we want to step outside the relationship, each of us is free to do that. Just make your way out...and don't bother coming back. No hard feelings. So, I asked him about the text and he was a) shocked that I'd checked his phone; b) was very disappointed that I didn't trust him and; c) he explained that he and his friends had been swapping phone while they were in Vegas the week before - the text was from his friend Bip to Bip's girl, Venus. And here's how I know he was telling the truth: because he always spells "Hey" as "Hay" and he never uses the LOL. Also? There would have been 2 to 3 other spelling errors in his text. Again, I'm not being naive. I just KNOW how he writes. So. I believe him and I curse the fucking whoremoans to hell for making me THAT GIRL.

In other news, I have quit my job. Unfortunately, the firm has asked me to stay on for the term of my 2 week notice. I was hoping they'd tell me to fuck off and kick rocks so I could go home and get paid to lay around for 2 weeks. My new job allegedly starts on March 5th. Yeah, I said allegedly. I took a pee test today as part of the pre-employment testing. I don't do drugs, let me just say that now. But my man smokes copious amounts of weed. In the evenings after the kids are asleep he sits beside me and smokes his herb. I don't know if it has ever been proven if a contact high is real or not real. I guess I'll find out when my pee test comes back. It would REALLY suck to fail a pee test based on not having smoked weed since 1994.

I also had to complete a "physical" for the pre-employment test. The physical consisted of my height, my weight, could I read a line on a vision testing chart and could I touch my toes. When the nurse gave me the thingy to cover my eye for the vision test (cover one eye, read, then cover the other eye and read), I stared at the instrument with horror. "Uh, can someone clean this off for me? Sorry, but I have no idea how many filthy eyeballs have been on this thing." Last thing I need is herpes of the fucking eye because some creeper didn't disclose his STDs.

I should have kept last week's whoremoans. It's easier to do stuff I don't want to do when I am able to be a complete raving bitch the whole time I'm doing it.