Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Important Rules for humans living in Texas.

As a US citizen born and raised to age 17 on Canadian soil, I've had thepleasure to live in a few different Canadian and US states and cities. Nothing compares to Texas in terms of natural events and organisms. I have a few rules I now live by for as long as I shall live in Texas.
  1. Never put on any garment without first shaking it out.
  2. That piece of lint on your shirt is not lint if it has legs that suddenly move.
  3. Tree roaches don't give a good goddamn how much money you have, how clean your house is, where you live or what you wear to bed.
  4. Tree roaches will join you in the sack if they fucking feel like it.
  5. The doorway that you passed through on your way out may be the new home to a large spider and his new web when you get back from your afternoon outing. Swipe hands in large circles every time you leave or enter your dwelling. Or maybe that's just me??
  6. Nine times out of ten that cat in your backyard at night isn't a cat at all.
  7. Everyone is packing heat. Don't try to rob anyone. Ever.
  8. The Texas summer wants you to die.
  9. A perfectly normal looking street will become a flood zone with a minimal amount of rain. Don't ever drive into any puddle in Texas unless you have experience getting out of a completely submerged car.
  10. Regular thunderstorms are kind of awesome, but if the black sky turns a weird barf green color, take immediate shelter in a bathtub or inside closet.
  11. Don't ever underestimate the power and intelligence of the one dude wearing a 10-gallon hat and driving the big pick up truck.
  12. Rednecks are real but they rarely look like you'd expect.
  13. Football is God.
  14. Texans really do grill and BBQ as much as you'd imagine.
  15. If you're driving and you suddenly see a shadow drop down and you think it might be a bug, pull over immediately and scour your vehicle. It's probably worse than you even think.
  16. Texas mosquitoes can lift a small dog. Almost.
  17. If you don't own a tent, canopy, stadium chairs, lawn chairs or bug spray, it's likely that you're just passing through and you have no intention of being in Texas for very long.
  18. If you're childless and you don't like football, you don't live in Texas - what's the point?
  19. A lot of women wear wigs and hair weaves (see #8 above).
  20. It is perfectly legal to spank the shit out of your kids in Texas.  (which....see #11 above)
  21. Stay vigilant for any bug, lizard, snake, chupacabra, foreign organism to land on you at any point in time not matter where you are or what you're doing. You will become a cold blooded killer here. Kill or be killed my friends. (and by killed I mean terrified enough that you could literally shit yourself)

Friday, February 1, 2013

I'm terrified of the Government

I even titled this post Government with a capital "G".

I filed my taxes weeks early this year. I used an online tax preparation and filing service. The system walked me though all the possible deductions and credits and this year I discovered 2 student tax credits. One for $1,500 and one for $2,500. You can't claim them both in the same year, but you can claim each for 3 years, I believe. So I thought to myself, wait a minute....I've been a real student since 2011. Did they have the credit in 2011? THEY DID. And for some reason, I totally missed it.

About 3 days after I e-filed my 2012 taxes, I mailed a hard copy amendment to my 2011 taxes. And now I'm TERRIFIED that the IRS is going to think I'm up to something and they're going to keep my refund and charge me some sort of fuck you fee for trying to bilk them out of $2,500. I know how the IRS is!! A few years ago they garnished my wages because there was some discrepancy with a filing from when I was married to whats-his-face. In fact, the error wasn't even mine, but because *I* was the one who was employed and *I* was the one with the income and it was a joint return, they consider each party 100% responsible, not 50% for him and 50% for her. I just hope they look at my mailed amendment, say "oh, she's right on this one", send me the money and forget about me until January 2014.

However, since I have the Luck of the Seven Whores, I'll probably have them show up at my door and arrest me for impersonating a grown up.  FML.


HOOOOOOOOOLY SHITBALLS!!! SEE? I think they're monitoring my every move!!  Not 30 minutes after I posted this blog, I received the following email:

On Monday, January 28, 2013, the IRS announced that it has added Form 8863 to the list of delayed forms that cannot be submitted to the IRS until mid-February (an official date has not been determined). http://www.irs.gov/uac/Newsroom/List-of-IRS-forms-that-1040-filers-can-begin-filing-in-late-February-or-into-March-2013

Since the return you have submitted to TaxACT contained Form 8863, Education Credits (American Opportunity and Lifetime Learning Credits), and it was ACCEPTED by the IRS, the IRS will hold it until they are able to process Form 8863 in mid-February. You do not need to take any additional action at this time.


GAAAAH!!!!! I need to go find my tinfoil hat!!  BYE!


It is now February 22nd and the mutha-fuckin' IRS still hasn't run me my money. The worst part? I can even write a nasty letter to them. I'm behind the goddamn 8-ball and there's nothing to do but shut up and wait. PINCHE' IRS!!!!!