Thursday, February 23, 2012

Whoremoans are REAL

Normally, I am a very balanced and sane person. However, last week, I had the inevitable post-hysterectomy mental incapacitation. I decided, in my crazed stupor, that I would go through my man's cell phone to see if he's cheating on me. HUH?  You're wondering if I had any reason to suspect him of cheating? No. None whatsoever. Except the WHOREMOANS told me to do it and I believed them. They are very powerful.

I went through his phone and saw a text to some chick named "Venus" that stated Hey baby! when are we going to lunch. I'm getting hungry. LOL! HOLY SHITBALLS! He's having lunch with some chick he calls "baby". WAIT! I'M BABY!!

After dissolving into a puddle of tears for the next 2 days straight, like a fool, I asked him about it. Because I couldn't reason with myself that it wasn't what I thought it was. I know some of you readers will think I'm being naive, but when I tell you he wouldn't cheat, I mean he'd cheat as much as I would cheat. We think the same way on this: if we want to step outside the relationship, each of us is free to do that. Just make your way out...and don't bother coming back. No hard feelings. So, I asked him about the text and he was a) shocked that I'd checked his phone; b) was very disappointed that I didn't trust him and; c) he explained that he and his friends had been swapping phone while they were in Vegas the week before - the text was from his friend Bip to Bip's girl, Venus. And here's how I know he was telling the truth: because he always spells "Hey" as "Hay" and he never uses the LOL. Also? There would have been 2 to 3 other spelling errors in his text. Again, I'm not being naive. I just KNOW how he writes. So. I believe him and I curse the fucking whoremoans to hell for making me THAT GIRL.

In other news, I have quit my job. Unfortunately, the firm has asked me to stay on for the term of my 2 week notice. I was hoping they'd tell me to fuck off and kick rocks so I could go home and get paid to lay around for 2 weeks. My new job allegedly starts on March 5th. Yeah, I said allegedly. I took a pee test today as part of the pre-employment testing. I don't do drugs, let me just say that now. But my man smokes copious amounts of weed. In the evenings after the kids are asleep he sits beside me and smokes his herb. I don't know if it has ever been proven if a contact high is real or not real. I guess I'll find out when my pee test comes back. It would REALLY suck to fail a pee test based on not having smoked weed since 1994.

I also had to complete a "physical" for the pre-employment test. The physical consisted of my height, my weight, could I read a line on a vision testing chart and could I touch my toes. When the nurse gave me the thingy to cover my eye for the vision test (cover one eye, read, then cover the other eye and read), I stared at the instrument with horror. "Uh, can someone clean this off for me? Sorry, but I have no idea how many filthy eyeballs have been on this thing." Last thing I need is herpes of the fucking eye because some creeper didn't disclose his STDs.

I should have kept last week's whoremoans. It's easier to do stuff I don't want to do when I am able to be a complete raving bitch the whole time I'm doing it.

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