Mom, what's a vibrator?

And that's not even how the discussion started. This was basically the end of it. FML.

Did you know that Wii and XBox have built-in wireless access to the internet? Did you also know that children are wiley, sneaky little fuckers who understand how to GOOGLE all sorts of interesting and disturbing things? Welcome to my new horror.

Last weekend, I may have busted my daughter running a google search for some sex-related topic involving lesbians. I'll let you just sit with that for a moment...


Yes? You're back??

Okay, I'm not even sure what else I can say about that. I mean, it took me 2 full days to process the situation. How do I open/continue a dialog on this topic? Did I open pandora's box with my condom expose'? Did some kid tell her about which sites to go look at or that she could even just go perusing around in google looking for T&A? I mean, I didn't even know I had an extra HOLE until I was about 11. This child is 8. Now, before you get all crazed, I will say that she is extraordinarily intelligent for her age. She is also very mature...I mean mentally mature and also physically mature. She has been wearing sports bras for about 6 mos, she declared the other day that she has a little (OMFG!!!!) hair (GAH!!!) and we have already had the menstruation discussion replete with samples and demos, of course. SMGDH.

Yesterday after picking the little princess up from day care...which...maybe at this point I should take her for her fucking learners permit...anyway, after day care I wanted to discuss what she was looking for on her Wii. She realllly didn't want to have that discussion because she was fairly mortified. I wouldn't let up. I needed to know why she was looking for that stuff at the age of 8 (I don't know mom), how often she had gone perusing (um...yeah. several times. But not EVERY night. Sometimes I'm just too sleepy), why look up girl stuff and not boy stuff (I'm more interested in looking at the girl stuff), whether she likes girls versus boys (well, yeah. except I have crushes on boys not girls, so...I don't know) OH EM GEE!!! I'm trying really hard at this point not to hyperventilate and drive off right into a damn ditch. And then she wanted me to shut up with the questions. So I did. What I failed to realize was that she had some doozy questions of her own.

*baby jesus please save me*

"Uh, mom. so...what's the stuff that comes out of a girl?"

fuck my fucking liiiiiife!!!!

"Um...oh, it's uh. Well *ahem* some people call it...eh....ah, shit. It's. Well."...which led into a very medical discussion on female ejaculate. But what the hell was she watching?? SQUIRTING videos?! Jesus Mary and Joseph! I didn't even discover those until 2 years ago. Good Christ!!

And then, the coup de gras....

"Mom, what's a vibrator?"

I just wanna know when my 8-year old decided to be 15? I totally blame the hormones in beef. This is NOT okay.


EDITED to add: since the little heathen is old enough to look at dirty pics, she now knows who Santa, the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny are. Sorry Toots.