Friday, April 29, 2011

How much is a wood chipper?

On my way into work this morning I saw a wood chipper. And I thought about all the deserving people I would make into human slaw ...

1 - Rush Limbaugh / Glenn Beck (and I do consider them to be just about one and the same): Rush with his hypocritical, racist and lying ass. I would probably save him for last though. His internal poison would probably clog the chipper and I have work to do. He'd go in with Beck. Unless Beck's tinfoil hat stops up the machine. Maybe I put Rush in first and THEN Beck. I need to think more on this one...

2 - That chick in the green honda with the very tall 1990 mall bangs: why would anyone driving during a morning or afternoon commute FUH-REAK out when they run into traffic? Maybe they haven't heard about rush hour? This woman was spazzing out any time someone wanted to merge in front of her. And I was howling behind her...people need to be videotaped when they're being irrational. It's a great equalizer. Not to mention I believe in shaming people into good behavior. When one minivan tried to get in front of her she laid on the horn, slammed on the breaks, DIDN'T let him in, and then held up the rest of the line so she could stop alongside the van and curse out the window. It was h.y.s.t.e.r.i.c.a.l. As I drove by her on the freeway, I pointed and laughed at her. She can go in first and get the chipper all greased up for the rest of the crew.

3 - "christians" who go to church on Sunday after staying out all night at swinger parties: I just really hate a hypocrite. If you're gonna be a heathen, then OWN it. Don't put on a front for your neighbors and your family. BE who you are. If you wanna fuck 4 or 5 couples and then go to IHOP before church, I'm gonna make fun of you. AT IHOP. Because there's nothing like a good egg at 4am. And, even from thenext booth over, I can smell a good sex party on most people. Don your Sunday best and INTO the chipper you go.

4 - chicks on escalators who flip their hair: I need you people to understand that RARELY are you alone on an escalator in a downtown office building. I don't care how badly you WANT to fix your hair, I do NOT want your long stringy hair on or anywhere near me. I am absolutely trapped on an escalator and when you flip your hair, I am negatively affected. It's not okay. You make me wanna pull out my lighter You get the picture. Bitches, you go hair first into the chipper.

5 - die-hard gatekeepers: you ever call someone's office and the secretary thinks she's in charge? And she won't let you anywhere near the executive? "You know, this place would stop running without me. I do EVERYTHING around here!" Um, no you don't. You probably don't have a degree. You have no idea what P&L responsibility is. You don't have to report to shareholders or the Board. You keep a dude's calendar and answer his phone. STOP making your job more important than it is. You're in a support position and you ANSWER to a supervisor. That means you don't run shit. I'm sorry you feel inadequate about your life. Maybe get a puppy? Then at least you'll have something to fully control. You and your bloated, falsely-important attitude can get the chipper.

6 - trite writers: Listen, many of us want to be something we're not. I would love to be a singer. I'd also love to be rich for no good reason and not have to pay any bills. You know? The type of rich where someone else just takes care of all your bills for you and you just sit around your piles of disposable cash. My point is, since we're not all cut out to be whatever we WISH, we need to accept our fate in life and live with it. Some writers cannot write. Sorry sweets. I mean, grammatically, it's fine. Good paragraph structure, excellent use of vocab, blah, blah...but it's TRITE. It's the kind of drivel that, after reading 4 sentences, my 8-yo daughter could tell you what the 5th sentence will read. Stop trying to be a great and entertaining writer/author. Some people are just naturally funny and fun to read. Some people have a special way of putting just the right words together to paint a vivid and fluid picture. Predictable and trite writers? Meet the damn chipper.

7 - fucked up deadbeat parents: this one is a special tribute to ex-wife-in-law. LT was married to my (then) husband for 6 years. They bore 2 children and divorced in 1996. I met (now) ex-husband in 1996. We won full (he had sole) custody of his 2 kids in 1997. They were just-turned-7 and 4 years old respectively. LT moved out of state in 1998. Do you have any idea what it does to a kid to be abandoned by his/her MOM? This bitch not only left her kids, but then she tried to re-insert herself as this wondrous mother when the planets aligned twice a year. As one insane example, one Valentines day when the kids were about 7 and 9, LT called me to ask for my help. She was VERY concerned because she had mailed the kids a box of valentine crap...but she suddenly couldn't find her ferret. I shit you not, she thought she mailed the ferret "Melissa" in the goddamn box with the candies. She begged me to intercept the box before the kids had a chance to open it JUST IN CASE Melissa was there rotting and decomposing in the box. She didn't want them traumatized. Are you HIGH lady? Who mails their kids a fucking FERRET?? For LT I'd make her sit and watch all the others get chipped up. But I wouldn't put her in. I'd put her together with my ex-husband and see which one would chip him or herself first.

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