Wednesday, August 3, 2011

I am Terrified of Spontaneous Human Combustion

I have succeeded in terrifying myself to the point that I'm afraid to even sit here and write this.

My car has no air conditioning at the moment.  It is 100+ degrees in Houston and has been kissing 100 degrees for about the past 8-9 weeks, every single day. I have taken to driving home from work with a big Ziploc bag of ice.  My coworkers know when it's almost 5pm because they call it "getting my a/c" from the office ice maker. It is so hot on my afternoon commute that I'm not even nearly ashamed that I walk around with a bag of ice. 

The other day I picked up my daughter from day care.  We were remarking about how hot it was in the car.  Even with all the windows down and the sunroof open, we still pass the leftover ice bag back and forth between us to reduce the chance of overheating.  Which, to my dismay, led my daughter to ask me if spontaneous human combustion was possible.  It's days like these I wish I had been a drinker when I was pregnant with this child.  She is far smarter than your average 8 year old and I am very very exhausted by her intelligence. Anyway, her question about combustion was pretty benign.  I didn't really have an answer except to say that I've heard of it, but there is some question as to how real spontaneous human combustion is.

Ever since that conversation, I've been trying to ignore the nagging fear in my bowels. I mean, let's be honest.  How often does a person really combust? What needs to be inside a person to trigger or promote combustion? I probably don't have any of those flammable elements.  Expect maybe for the wine.  Is wine very flammable?  Not to mention I'm 42 and I do get hot flashes a couple times per week.  What if I had a hot flash at night after 1/2 a bottle of wine? How fast would the bed go up? Should I keep a fire extinguisher by the bed and tell Baby to sleep lightly in case of combustion? He's very hairy.  If I go up, he doesn't stand a fighting chance.

I started to wonder where I might find combustion information and to my horror, YouTube is the best source.  As you probably know, YouTube is the source for everything any more.  I learned how to change my VW headlight from a YouTube video.  You can learn how to set up a bong, how to dance like a stripper, how to grown your hair....and how to combust.

I am now convinced that I will probably die any day from internal combustion. My family won't have anything to bury expect my hands and feet.  However, they'll save a whole shitload on cremation fees. If it wasn't so hot out I'd go shop for a lovely vase or urn.  But I'd probably combust in the car on the way to the urn shoppe (shoppe instead of shop because I'm sure it's a fancy specialty type place). I wonder if there's an online urn shoppe. Once the online urn is delivered, maybe the family can recycle the bubble wrap for shipping and delivery of my un-combusted hands and feet to the crematorium. I wonder how much it costs to cremate just the extremities?

I'll be spending the rest of the day scribbling out a will. Just in case.

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