Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Of Booblings, Scroticles and the VJJ [aka how men are titty-babies]

So, at the tender age of 42 (which is right now), I finally had my first mammogram.  Yesterday I posted that I was having my breasticles mashed and a male friend commented that it wasn't so bad.  Not as bad, let's say, as having a hernia exam.  And this is where I give you the gory details of what men go through versus what women go through.  EVERY.SINGLE.YEAR.

To the men, the doctor says: "Please bend over and cough. Thank you.  Okay, I need to slip my finger in....I'm sorry about that. We're all done here."

And here's what we get to do once a year:

For the pap sear, the doctor says:  "Please lay back and put your feet in the stirrups. Now, slide allll the way down until your bottom is at the edge of the bed.  Thank you.  Now let your legs relax...no... MORE please. There we go.  Okay, a little pressure....this instrument will be a little cold [instrument in question is probably twice the size of your average penis, thankyouverymuch...also, ice cold]. No, don't tense up, please RELAX THE VAGINA. [FML, are you kidding?] Okay, a little more pressure and.... [SNIP - they steal a piece of cervix in a ninja move]...okay. Now, let me just [sneak attack into the bunghole with a slimy finger] and you can scoot back now. Please lay still while I check your uterus [2 fingers up the VJJ pressing upward, the other hand pressing downward]. Okay, this feels fine [more pressing and finger roaming in the 'giner]. Okay. Do you do monthly self-breast exams?  Let's have a feel [uncovers one breast, pressing down all around the breast - repeat process for second breast].  SO [snapping off gloves] I may have felt a little something and I'd like you to have a quick ultrasound.  Do you have time for that now?  Yes?  Good.  Okay, go next door and check in with the tech."

Part 2 of pap smear [same doc appointment, by the way]: "Hi. You can leave your top on, but I need you to undress from the waist down and cover up with this paper sheet.....all done?  Okay, please lay back and put your feet in the stirrups. Now, slide allll the way down until your bottom is at the edge of the bed.  Thank you.  Now let your legs relax...  Okay. This WAND will be a little cold...just relax....[insert jelly-lubed phallic wand up into vag. For anyone who thinks this is like masturbating, you'd be totally wrong]. So, I'm just going to go around and have a look.  Feel free to watch on the TV monitor [wand goes around the innards and the tech stops here and there to take stills and measurements.  Wand stay in there going around and around for a quite uncomfortable 10 minutes or so].  Okay, we're all done.  You can wipe up all the jelly and goo with that paper sheet and then you can get dressed.  The doctor will call you with any results.  Have a GREAT day!"

[walk gingerly to the car since you feel a bit like a horseback riding event gone horribly wrong, still slightly slick inside the thighs with lube and feeling oddly bloated]

BUT WAIT BOYS!  There's MORE!!!  I haven't even gotten to the mammogram yet. You still think your little ball pat and pinky in the recty is akin to what we get to do every year? 

The mammogram machine is like a sideways, Plexiglas vice grip. The tech literally positions your breasts, one at a time, onto the bottom platform and, with a foot pedal, brings the top platform down onto the breast....as low as you can stand it.  This goes on for 2 or 3 different angles and pictures.  The next time, fellas, you put your balls in a vice grip and have someone smash down on them, lemme know so we can compare notes.

Listen, I completely understand that most men are titty-babies when it comes to medical stuff and pain and whatnot.  But PLEASE don't insult us by even daring to suggest that your exams are anything like ours.  I mean, I didn't even get into the whole childbirth stuff, what with the mucous plug and the snail trail and the leaky collostom and the spinal tap and the placenta and the stitches, etc....  You're welcome.


  1. I haven't had a mammogram, but I can relate to the other procedures you mentioned. I hate how the doctors always tell me the giant metal duckbill (cause that's what I call it) won't hurt at all. It feels, to me, like maybe Andre the Giant had shoved a fist off in there...

  2. Wow. So I clicked on this through Bloggess because I HAD to read a post with such an awesome title. But now I'm having flashbacks of my visit last month :-(

    Men do not get it. Do. Not. Get. It. The next time my husband bitches and tries to avoid going in for a yearly exam I am going to make him read this post!

  3. Those annual appointments are such a pain, literally!

  4. I'm a guy. Had a lump in a "pec" moob. Had a mamogram.

    HURT LIKE HELL. Told the tech that I don't want to be a woman.

  5. I have not had my first mammogram yet. I am not looking forward to it. Given that I breastfed each of my kids for 3 years, I feel like my breasts have had enough mangling for one lifetime. Still, I know it has to happen. Eventually...as you know, I have enough other issues to deal with. :)