Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Does the nation need a Death Museum? Apparently so.

I was driving through the hood yesterday and I noticed the National Museum of Funeral History. My first obvious thought was, "well, at least the gang murder victims won't have to go far". Which, come on now.   That's TOTALLY unfair and very prejudiced of me.  I mean, the museum isn't the Coroner. And the Coroner comes to you, doesn't he? travel time involved at all.

What I didn't understand about the museum was: isn't death a pretty basic natural occurence?  Who needs a whole museum for death and funerals?  Apparently the nation does.

I was looking through the website this morning.  I have no intention of visiting the museum.  I have an uncanny "gift" for creating mayhem.  It would be just like me to end up getting trapped in a fancy, antique coffin when I accidentally on purpose got into it just to see what it feels like.  I'd suffocate overnight and then the next day, the new visitors would think I was just some rotting part of the funeral exhibit. I'd be stuck in a damn museum for eternity with people staring at me and judging me all day long for a price. I can do that without being dead thankyouverymuch.

I was looking at the "Admission" section and they should totally change the name to something like "Museum Visitor Entry and Exit Costs".  Frankly I don't ever want to be "admitted" to a funeral museum.  I just think the implications are sketchy and a little terrifying. There's nothing in the "admission" page that suggests you get to exit.  I don't think I need to add that a museum is always looking to upgrade its material and keep things - *gag* - fresh for the audience. I'm really disturbed that kids under 3 are being admitted for free.  As though they are just a little TOO fresh and therefore worth less in a death exhibit. They should make the seniors free and charge kids under 3 at least $15.  Wait!  Who brings a kid under 3 to look at coffins??  The FUCK?

The museum has several exhibits including: Papal Exhibit, Day of the Dead, 1900's Casket Factory and Embalming. I need to know if they do Saturday workshops similar to Home Depot.  Like Saturday at 10am they show which "L" brackets to use on which coffin, depending on the type of wood you use. Stick around for the Saturday 1130am workshop where they discuss which color palate to use for which decedent on Dia de los Muertos and receive a free hot dog.  BRING THE KIDS!!

My very most favorite exhibit is the Fantasy Coffins.  These are just weird! Seriously, if I had to create or requisition my own personal coffin, it would probably look more like a wine bar.  Or a penis.  Or a vagina. That'd be funny...going out in a rigid vagina coffin.  Kind of the same way I came in.

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