Thursday, June 30, 2011

I'm a girlfriend's best girlfriend

I've always been mostly a tomboy.  Those who have met me in real life but who don't KNOW me, would say I'm very feminine and probably on the classy side. Those who know me would say I look classy, but I'm brash, forward, more than a little crude and definitely tomboy-ish. I don't even like to use the term girlfriend.  I enjoy poop discussions, I love sports - mainly football - and I'm like a dude in the way that I sex. I'm not a sensitive, give it to me slow, kiss me all over kinda gal. Although, admittedly, my current love has changed a bit of that.  He is quite adept at getting me all juiced up and I've come to enjoy the methodical precursor to the ....

MAN, did I go way off course....I must be in crave mode ...

My point is: I'm not all that girly.  I have a couple of girlfriends, now moreso than in my youth.  In my late teens I had 3 regular girlfriends.  At one time we all lived together in a 2-bedroom apartment. Kels I adored, Amy I couldn't stand and Mo I loved and admired.

Kels was utterly gorgeous! And the best part was she really had no idea.  I remember once walking down the street with her and she ran into a guy she casually knew.  The guy said hi to her, stopped to chat and he immediately pitched a tent.  I know he knew he had wood.  But Kels didn't.  I had to tell her after leaving him on the sidewalk shame-faced with an aching cramp in his groin that she's the only girl I know who can innocently spur on absolutely spontaneous hard-ons. Kels didn't live with the group of us for too long.  She was artsy-fartsy and ended up renting a righteous warehouse apartment which she promptly decorated with neon lights and neon paint flung onto the walls. To this day, Kels is one of my closest and oldest friends.  We frequently reminisce about dropping acid and tripping through Stanley Park in Vancouver.  Or walking home from the gay parties only to have no recollection of how we suddenly arrived at the apartment. By the way, Kels looks just as good as she ever did....better actually.

Amy was a Ho. Well, not literally.  I mean, had she been a real ho, we probably would never have been late with the rent.  The group of us used to go to a nightclub called the Warehouse every.single.weekend. In Vancouver, there weren't a lot of black clubs and my girls were very very into black guys.  Me? I didn't care what color they were. But the club was always amusing and because we went so often we never had to wait in line or pay cover. We used to drive to the club in Amy's car because she had the only parking spot in the apartment building and I had no car. Problem with Amy driving?  She controlled when we left the club and who left with us. I don't think I can count on one hand how many times NO ONE left with us.  While Mo and I were fairly picky about our bed partners, Amy was not. She'd have one guy on Friday from the club and a new one on Saturday night. I don't mean she dated them.  I'd wager 90% of her bedfellows were one-nighters. It wouldn't have bothered Mo and I except that Amy was a shrieker.  Not a screamer.  A fucking, open-mouthed, full-lunged shrieker any time she had sex. Which was at least twice a weekend, if you're still following. I mentioned earlier that I couldn't stand Amy. I can't remember what the falling out was, but it was colossal (albeit ~25 years ago). Mo and I had a chance to meet up with Amy about 3-4 years ago.  She had moved to California, but was back in Vancouver and I was there visiting Mo.  Amy invited us to a restaurant where she was waitressing.  The woman is now completely insane.  I mean, crazy-eyed, shrieky-laugh, inappropriate outbursts insane. And now it doesn't even matter why I can't stand her. Because I don't commiserate with the insane any more.

And Mo. Mo's mom was a friend of my dad's back in the 80's. I met Mo in 1989 and we've been friends ever since.  She witnessed the birth of my son and I witnessed the birth of hers. There are very few secrets between us.  The reason I admired her in our youth was that she was very good with money and she knew how to pay bills.  Sounds funny, but truly? At 19/20 I think that's incredible.  She made good decisions.  She had good judgment. She never really suffered or went without because she wasn't blowing her money every weekend.  She didn't drink and she's never done drugs. Clearly, she was the complete opposite of me.  But if I respect you and admire you I will be there for you at your most difficult moment.

Some time in or around 1991, Mo and I met a couple of cute sailors on the street.  Vancouver was popular with the sailors since it was so close to Whitbey Island in Washington state and crossing the border in those days was as easy as flashing a smile and driving on through. After hanging out and sharing a quick meal with the sailors, we adjourned to our respective apartments for a good ole game of "HEY Sailor!!".  Some time later that evening I get the phone call that would change the course of our friendship forever.

Ring Ring!

Idjit: Yo! You get some?!

Mo: Uh. Yes.

Idjit: what's the dealio? you sound weird.

Mo: ummmm. this is awkward.

Idjit:  the fuck dude? what's going on over there?

Mo: you should check your sailor for crabs.

Idjit:  EXCUSE ME??

Mo: yeah. you should.  right away. because mine has crabs.

Idjit: but, if yours has crabs and you just....

Mo: yes, exactly.  the thing is, I gave him head,  Shit.  can you come over here?

And I spent the next hour or so pulling crabs and eggs out of Mo's massive blond mane.  THAT is what a girlfriend's best girlfriend would do.

Also, I would totally have done the same for Kels.  But fuck Amy.  She would have had to shave her head. 


  1. Now I know why I don't have any really close girlfriends. I have not pulled crabs out of anyone's head...

  2. And should I thank you I am now aware there's such a thing like crabs in genital areas >.<

    Why arent things like this being taught in school?

  3. It's just the nastiest thing ever... the eggs were the worst *gag*