Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Aging is directly correlated to intelligence. I hope.

I started to look at how differently I see things now at almost 42 years old. I guess having teen and adult stepkids who are trying to find their way, I have taken a step back in an effort to understand why all the damn ANGST? So...I go back and try to remember what the hell it was to be young... Here is PART 1 of this exercise:

Love and sex:

22: so, I’m expected to find a perfect mate and settle down. At 22 most dudes aren’t exactly the picture of faithful husband material. But what do I know? Find someone who adores you and stick with it yes? No matter that he’s a cheating, lying, gold-toofed mut. No matter that he can’t keep a job for more than 4 weeks and you’re the one paying for everything all the time. I guess the good part is that the grocery bill is super low since he’s never home at night.

The bonus parts of love and sex at 22 is that there is NO end to the energy we can produce in the bedroom. I mean, twice a day? No problem. I guess for him it was more than twice a day, right? My twice and his other broad’s once or twice. The boy had skillz. BUT, looking back, as a youngster, I think I rushed through it get to the good stuff. I think I missed a lot of the nuances and playfulness and real foreplay in a mad dash to not have my partner beat me to the end zone.

32: “married” with children. In love? Maybe. But for sure in a committed relationship and keeping house like a real grown up. It’s more like being a love survivalist…peck on the cheek or lips to say hi, same for goodnight. Doing what it takes to be together in this fog whilst trying to keep everyone in the house alive and healthy. “Oh, what a happy couple!” Well, we were a couple alright. But happy? I’d say, at least for me, it was faking it to make it. Only what no one told me is that that RARELY works. Because we feel however we feel…that part doesn’t change.

During this period, the sex was an act of attrition. I participated only when it was crucial. I was never forced, don’t get me wrong. But I did it to shut him up. I had no interest in it. Being exhausted with 4 kids and you’re the only functioning adult in the house makes a woman feel REAL unsexy. Also, the resulting XX lb weight gain from childbearing certainly puts a damper one a woman’s sex appeal. You’re lucky if you get a shower long enough to work up a lather 5 days a week.

42: happily divorced and in LUUUURVE. Feeling like I’ve been enlightened by Budda and all the goddesses to all matters of love and partnership. Also, it helps that I’m old enough to know that nothing is forver and it’s kind of important to enjoy as much time as you can while it’s all good. Because tomorrow you might find out he’s a reincarnation of 22-yo dude above.

The 42-yo body sure ain’t tight and toned like the 22-yo body. But it DOES respond differently. I think learning what works and how to enjoy the simplicity and the complexities of each act lends to a whole different (read: BETTER) secksual experience.

Hair removal

22: one day while getting my hair done in a salon, the mildly challenged helper boy said to me “I love a girl with a moustache”. THE FUCK? I HAVE A MOUSTACHE? It never occurred to me. It also never occurred to me that the hair I sport in the nethers was voluminous. And Shaving? That was for special occasions like swimsuit season or a special date. Otherwise, what was the point? I will also mention I was 22 in 1991 when a hairy vag was still the norm.

32: I realize I’m hairy and I don’t care. Shave in order to give birth? What’s more natural than pushing a human out of a full bush? Nothing, I say. Besides, if I’m all sexy and smooth my husband might find me more attractive. To hell with THAT.

42: SECKSUAL REVOLUCION! Everything stays shaved and plucked and hair-removed. No more bearskin rug on the privates. No mote caterpillar above the eyes. No more French girl under ze peets. To be honest, I feel a lot more like a girl now.

Food choices

22: I’M FAT! Okay, I’m not actually fat. But my stupid adolescent brain tells me I’m fat. So I eat like shit but then I take laxatives about once a week to purge. Because I’m brilliant that way.

32: I eat whatever I’m cooking the kids and the fam for dinner. Whether I want to or not. My saving grace is the slop I eat at work. Which, of course, helps to maintain the quite unhealthy weight I have accumulated. In those days there was lots of chicken consumed…and anything else that was on Manager’s Special at the reduced price Mexican grocery store. What do you mean that meat smells funny? WE PAID GOOD MONEY FOR THAT! You better eat up!

42: Let’s get ORGANIC! Because we can afford it and it’s better for us and it tastes like real food! And my 8-year old will probably not get her period this year if we keep eating organic meats. You know, less hormones and all…


22: I guess I’ll be a secretary. That doesn’t seem to require too much skill or smarts. They'll pay me and I can go home at 5pm and not work weekends!

32: I’m a REALLY good secretary. Thank goodness I work for a good company that gives benes and bonuses, etc. I am a ROCK STAR and this group would got to SHIT without me! EGO to the rescue!!!

42: fuck. I’m still a secretary.


22: Poli-WHA?

32: So, we have what…2 main parties? And the President is….Uh Clinton. Yes?! Cool!

42: I know all the Repub candidates. Even the ones who have said they’re not running. I’m keenly tuned into the political landscape because it matters. I understand the issues, the talking points, the house, the congress, the lies, the pandering, the historical moments, the moments created by the media...I even watch political shows on TV. ON PURPOSE.

I have several more topics for another day. Feel free to add your revelations to the list! It's getting a wee bit lonely in here.

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